Tell me Which Direction!!!

I am trying really hard to focus and get on with it, but damn it's not that easy. I just can't seem to decide which way to go. Do I keep the job/life structure that they had, that Heidi had or the home business that Amy started? Do I go back to my old line of work and life?

I am so twisted inside out at the moment that it's insane. It's like I need to jump out of myself to see perspective. But I know that in uttering that I am invoking a terrible desire for someone/anyone who is lurking to take over the body.

Oh No You Bloody Don't!!!

I am struggling but not ready to give in People. I am just finding it hard to know who I am. NO. Actually, I know who I am. I am finding it hard to .... see how to fit who I am into the life that we have now. Haven't I said that all along...

+++++

Flashbacks the other night. Body on edge. I could watch, as is usual - and I eventually forced my way back to control. You know, I watch my partner while they are there - reliving things that he doesnt even have the capacity to come close to accepting or replicating or being okay with, and I hurt for him. He sees that they are terrified of him, he knows what they think he will do, he knows I am not there, its not me. And he knows that he cannot get me back by his care, by his voice or by his actions. He knows that he must leave the grown woman who is shirking, terrified of him, shaking in the corner and walk away. He knows he must state his name, why he is there and that if we need him - he will be just in the next room. And then he must wait.
That must be agony really. To see on your fiance's face - the fear that a four year old felt at the hands of her abuser. At the hands of her own father.
He is a father now. Of a child the same age. And he cries when we talk about it, how could ruin something so beautifully innocent as the learning, wondering, amazingness of a small child. They love unconditionally, with no thought for the evilness of this world. They wonder so openly, with no knowledge of the prejudice or pain of the earth. And those that do this terrible thing say it is out of love.
You know not of love, nor of giving, nor of unselfish care and consideration for others.
You are nothing. Do you understand? NOthing! You are scum on this earth. You do not love. You only have evil where the love should be. Maybe you are blind to it, but that is how it is.

I know of love. I know of the love of a child, the love of a person who stands by you, despite your failings, despite the fact you are unstable and freakish in nature. I know of the love of friends who risk their way of life for you. I know of love.

You have none. And at every turn possible. I will prevent anyone I know of even coming close to being in contact or having any small affection for you. You will never see your Beautiful Innocent almost four-year-old GrandDaughter. You will never see my sweet and tiny little neice. You will never lay a finger on them, nor sight them, nor speak to them. For as long as my body and mind are conscious. So I shall remain steadfast in this.

What I could not have. I WILL PROVIDE FOR MY CHILD. Not food, not shelter, not education (though you were lacking in all of those for us) but Love. Unconditional, unsullied, unadulterated, unevil: Love. You truly f$^#*@(d up my existance. I stand now, to succeed despite you. Inspite of you. Your actions cannot be forgiven by me.

I turned away from you years ago. I reaffirm it. It will be Forever.

Sunday

It's Sunday night. And that's okay. I counted up how many migraine tablets we have taken this week - how many are missing from the box, since I wasn't in control of it. 40 tablets. Not bad for a week. Obviously a bad week.
Oh what a funny joke.

Hi - I had a bad week. Why? Well i was sexually molested and abused as a child, became a DID multi person from it and happened randomly to be standing 1 metre from that same abuser momentarily on Monday. Why should it have been bad. LOL.

Cheers for the week anyways! I am going to turn in early.

Today It Hit

Today the fall out began.
I did not expect it. We had houses to inspect because we have to be out of here in 5 weeks. So we were organised to house hunt for the day.
Today we began to fall apart.
I knew it was coming. But not today. Any other day.

My partner knew it would be today.

Last night, he said, yellow submarine girl was there in the background. He knew it would be today.
I don't know her age, or what happened to her - only that she sings the beatles song 'yellow submarine' over and over in her mind when she is frightened. We were at the end of being intimate (me being very careful to listen out for any others coming into something that they wouldn't understand) when she came through. He is a good man. He listens when I say "someone's here" he doesnt do anything - he puts clothes over us and talks to the littles that come through if they do. He is a good man. I mean that truthfully. My ex-husband ignored or delighted in tormenting and re-abusing them. But this man - he treats them like they are real children, in front of him, thrown into something beyond them.
Anyway, so he knew. He knew today we would fall apart.

It was McHappy day at Mcdonalds, and we went there to take our daughter for lunch. A police officer came over (they were volunteering) and asked her if she wanted her face painted - she nodded and followed him. Children are so vulnerable, so trusting, so innocent. My partner followed her - I fell apart. In the corner of McDonalds. I cried for the innocence that is taken away from the children of abuse. For all my tiny littles. Who's trust in the man who was their father - was smashed, broken, shattered, crushed, violated, i can't think of a word to describe it.
So in McDonalds. I fell apart.
Heidi woke up this morning with a killer migraine - they all decided today they would begin to talk again. Tried in vain to get rid of it. Finally tonight it is gone.

But that's only because I have taken the mind away. Heidi is offline - along with the rest of them. Somewhere suffering in silence. Until we have the safety to let them fall apart - with no risk of self-injury or life-damage.

What a daft post this is. Oh well. Good bye.

An Instant that ReShatters a Soul

I have to blog this. But Its not going to be easy. You will understand when you read, I know.

A lovely girl, no a woman. A mother, a helper. Someone dressed nicely who appears calm, confident, in control. She waits with an elderly couple whom she is assisting for the day. In a hospital. When a person, no sorry, a monster - walks in the door, not one metre from her and hurries upon its way..
without even seeing the woman.

The woman looks collected, she looks whole, she looks normal - but inside, where delicate strands of healing had formed to encompass those in great pain - that instant, reshatters their soul.

Our Grandparents are elderly, our Grandmother lives in nursing care now. But we still need to take her manually to the Hospital for her appointments. Its always an ordeal ~ she is the loveliest woman I ever knew, but she has almost no muscle strength, and getting her in and out of cars and wheelchairs etc is difficult ~ but we laugh and enjoy it ~ though for her it must hurt sometimes.. to have a GrandDaughter toilet you, (just last year, before we found the nursing care place, we (my mother and I) did everything for her, shower, toilet, help feed etc.)

I would do anything for her and almost anything for my Grandfather (I apologise to those of you whose abuser was a grandparent.) He is a tad more selfish and controlling, but he was never in any way abusive. They were our lifeline, her sanity, the only place that she could ever feel like she could take a breath safely. They were strict and old-fashioned. But we were always safe to sleep in the bed at their house. Although, as we got older, I was allowed less and less.

A thing we hated forever has now become a thing that saved us yesterday. The thing, the UnPerson (because we cannot call him anything else right now) is a very hell-bent, one-tracked, obsessive person. So when it entered the hospital doors, it went straight down the hall to its destination, no side track, no looking around. The only people standing anywhere - was a woman with her Grandparents.

We kept it together, until we could fall apart - late last night. And after this post. We will put it all away.

What are the chances really? In this wide world, on an average day? When you have not seen this thing for years? What are the chances?

Everyone is numb and silent today. I, Sam, am worried. What happens when the numb wears off and the feelings set it. Shattered Soul.

Daylight Darkness and the Smell of Rain

Its 9am and its dark outside - overcast and grey, the smell of rain pervades the air.. but it hasn't rained again yet.

The breeze blows gently, bringing clear sounds from far away.

I love this weather, these days, though they are rare and often confronting.

If I open the window and let it confront me ~ my body shivers and tingles and sighs in release. These are the times of beauty, forgiveness, love, pain, aching, yearning.

(Shh, don't spoil it ~ but these are the days that 'he' never got out of bed. The days that you would never come across him when going out to the kitchen or to play with your sisters in the lounge room. These were the safe days. Safe to spend huddled near my bedroom window - feeling the breeze on my face ~ safe to dream that sometime, somewhere ~ maybe this didn't have to be life.)

Safe to dream dreams, and create a beautiful castle her tiny head ~ somewhere to hide where it was beautiful.

And that, my friends, is why our castle is always in rain, light rain, like a scottish countryside. The day house has sun, light, and fluffy clouds in the blue sky ~ because the littles are happier there, and so are many others.

But the castle remains ~ isolated, majestic in its infinite creation. The castle holds the secrets and the pain and the memories. In the day house ~ we can get by. In the castle, we can hide.

So the rain is poignant and painful and beautiful and brings hopes and dreams...



(Ironic that here we are in a life without that abuse and suffering and yet ~ now it is so ingrained, was so damaging, that life came to revolve around it anyway...Life is cruel. That tiny child did not deserve what happened to her.)

xxoo