Tell me Which Direction!!!

I am trying really hard to focus and get on with it, but damn it's not that easy. I just can't seem to decide which way to go. Do I keep the job/life structure that they had, that Heidi had or the home business that Amy started? Do I go back to my old line of work and life?

I am so twisted inside out at the moment that it's insane. It's like I need to jump out of myself to see perspective. But I know that in uttering that I am invoking a terrible desire for someone/anyone who is lurking to take over the body.

Oh No You Bloody Don't!!!

I am struggling but not ready to give in People. I am just finding it hard to know who I am. NO. Actually, I know who I am. I am finding it hard to .... see how to fit who I am into the life that we have now. Haven't I said that all along...

+++++

Flashbacks the other night. Body on edge. I could watch, as is usual - and I eventually forced my way back to control. You know, I watch my partner while they are there - reliving things that he doesnt even have the capacity to come close to accepting or replicating or being okay with, and I hurt for him. He sees that they are terrified of him, he knows what they think he will do, he knows I am not there, its not me. And he knows that he cannot get me back by his care, by his voice or by his actions. He knows that he must leave the grown woman who is shirking, terrified of him, shaking in the corner and walk away. He knows he must state his name, why he is there and that if we need him - he will be just in the next room. And then he must wait.
That must be agony really. To see on your fiance's face - the fear that a four year old felt at the hands of her abuser. At the hands of her own father.
He is a father now. Of a child the same age. And he cries when we talk about it, how could ruin something so beautifully innocent as the learning, wondering, amazingness of a small child. They love unconditionally, with no thought for the evilness of this world. They wonder so openly, with no knowledge of the prejudice or pain of the earth. And those that do this terrible thing say it is out of love.
You know not of love, nor of giving, nor of unselfish care and consideration for others.
You are nothing. Do you understand? NOthing! You are scum on this earth. You do not love. You only have evil where the love should be. Maybe you are blind to it, but that is how it is.

I know of love. I know of the love of a child, the love of a person who stands by you, despite your failings, despite the fact you are unstable and freakish in nature. I know of the love of friends who risk their way of life for you. I know of love.

You have none. And at every turn possible. I will prevent anyone I know of even coming close to being in contact or having any small affection for you. You will never see your Beautiful Innocent almost four-year-old GrandDaughter. You will never see my sweet and tiny little neice. You will never lay a finger on them, nor sight them, nor speak to them. For as long as my body and mind are conscious. So I shall remain steadfast in this.

What I could not have. I WILL PROVIDE FOR MY CHILD. Not food, not shelter, not education (though you were lacking in all of those for us) but Love. Unconditional, unsullied, unadulterated, unevil: Love. You truly f$^#*@(d up my existance. I stand now, to succeed despite you. Inspite of you. Your actions cannot be forgiven by me.

I turned away from you years ago. I reaffirm it. It will be Forever.

Even if it Doesn't matter, You gotta get on With It

So hello,
Did I mention that we moved house? Did I mention that I LOVE it?!
New house, new rules. My rules. HHHEEE HEEEE :- my SO is a little skeptical about the new regime, but we shall see...

I have chosen a place to live that I (Samantha) like and no one else is able to inhabit the body while in this house. Kasey is back co with me. Thank the Lord - life is ordered now. I have as much order as a half dead cochroach on my own, but Kasey - oh the world is perfectly white, crisp sheet of paper with her.
We have made concessions to ensure that the rest of the family are looked after in this - the next year of ultimate reign. We are conscious that we have to not ignore problems and not pretend like we arent multiple (even though I still can't handle the whole freaky idea)

So now we have to organise what we are doing (Me and Kasey) and where we are going. Oh and buy new stuff and package up all the crap from the others for the past 4 ish years.

It's been good so far. And Yes - I got Heidi's permission to have her not co-conscious, before I kicked her to the curb...lol. All above board. My first successful TakeOver. Yippee!!!

But to be serious, there is alot of work ahead to get life back to a point where I could look at it and say "I am successful" cause at the moment everyone looks at it and says "You are successful, considering your multiplicity" but I don't want that factored in. I want to be amazing just as S & K.

We rule...

For the doubters out there - I am fully aware that this is not a failsafe option, that takeovers are traumatic and difficult and that the others have issues and needs as well. We have put in place measures to deal with those things and measures to ensure that daily life is held standard so the bizarre switching and dangerous memory issues are not present so much. It's just not good for a chick with a partner and a child.

Cheers for today! Cheers for tomorrow!

You see, it really doesnt matter if it all Suxs to the SkY. You still gotta get up off your butt and keep doing something.. else nothing gonna get done. And then who's fault is it that life suxs....
(Oh right, that'd be me, AGAIN)

:)

Today It Hit

Today the fall out began.
I did not expect it. We had houses to inspect because we have to be out of here in 5 weeks. So we were organised to house hunt for the day.
Today we began to fall apart.
I knew it was coming. But not today. Any other day.

My partner knew it would be today.

Last night, he said, yellow submarine girl was there in the background. He knew it would be today.
I don't know her age, or what happened to her - only that she sings the beatles song 'yellow submarine' over and over in her mind when she is frightened. We were at the end of being intimate (me being very careful to listen out for any others coming into something that they wouldn't understand) when she came through. He is a good man. He listens when I say "someone's here" he doesnt do anything - he puts clothes over us and talks to the littles that come through if they do. He is a good man. I mean that truthfully. My ex-husband ignored or delighted in tormenting and re-abusing them. But this man - he treats them like they are real children, in front of him, thrown into something beyond them.
Anyway, so he knew. He knew today we would fall apart.

It was McHappy day at Mcdonalds, and we went there to take our daughter for lunch. A police officer came over (they were volunteering) and asked her if she wanted her face painted - she nodded and followed him. Children are so vulnerable, so trusting, so innocent. My partner followed her - I fell apart. In the corner of McDonalds. I cried for the innocence that is taken away from the children of abuse. For all my tiny littles. Who's trust in the man who was their father - was smashed, broken, shattered, crushed, violated, i can't think of a word to describe it.
So in McDonalds. I fell apart.
Heidi woke up this morning with a killer migraine - they all decided today they would begin to talk again. Tried in vain to get rid of it. Finally tonight it is gone.

But that's only because I have taken the mind away. Heidi is offline - along with the rest of them. Somewhere suffering in silence. Until we have the safety to let them fall apart - with no risk of self-injury or life-damage.

What a daft post this is. Oh well. Good bye.

Pretty Pink Things for Heidi

Heidi has been really stressed from the lack of communication and internal numbness. I hate that I have to care, but she is really stressed. And as our partner has said to her - don't worry - enjoy and take the time to relax while they are silent and you can better deal with it when they start talking again.

Heidi is someone who likes to look at pretty things - not necessarily own them or look like them. So this post is Pretty Pink Things for Heidi :

Classic Hoarder

Here is a question to ponder:

Do alot of DID's hoard everything? Or just us?

We are moving house soon ~ and I feel that we carry so much from place to place - a double garage full of stuff never touched since last move 18 months ago. Although it is all packed neatly in boxes ~ better than just thrown on the ground.

But the problem is it's a collection of 30 or more people's lives.

My partner is helping me clean things out and decide to keep some, sell some, and throw the garbage stuff out. He is doing really great - he helps organise the stuff once i have assigned it a pile and he keeps constant watch (like a hovering bird) and pulls me back to reality as soon as he sees the signs of switching ~ or he hugs the alter who pops out in connection to their stuff.

He is amazing. Truly. Its a long and stressful job. But "I" feel it's a good idea. Its healing. Its also annoying that I cant just throw it all out since none of it is mine. But we don't want to upset people now do we.

Tell me is Hoarding a classic commonality for us all?


We need one of these:

Full of those little basket things, one per person. Lol... If we were a millionaire..We have compartments everywhere!