Not So Great Today

Yesterday was not okay. Its early today, but its not looking good.
The Sara stuff was a bit triggering for us, but we were dealing with it. Worst luck...
not 2hours later and J'W's come randomly knocking on the door. WHY did we answer it? I still don't know.

Thus spiralled a pitiful afternoon of rapid switching, much arguing, angry alters, sad alters, suicidal alters and of course the self-harm. I feel too much emotion today, from too many people.

So I am going to just put up some pictures instead. May you keep safe.

For the Tainted Reality we See:


For the Desire to Shed the Evil:


For The Pain all Encompassing:


For the Way we Have to Live on:

For the escape that We dream of:

Profile: Sara

Warning: Content may trigger. Please use caution if you find some topics in association with religion to be a trigger.

Today's post is going to be about Sara.

Not that I want it to be ~ but that's the way things are in this head, sometimes you get the choice, sometimes you don't. So suck it up.

Sara is ... devoted, indoctrinated, fanaticated (not a real word).

Sara is a person who is around the age of late teen ie 19ish. She has always been around that age - from about as far as I can access which is about body age 12. Thus many comments from teachers, church members etc, 'you are so mature for your age', 'so serious', 'a real depth of understanding and interest' 'much more studious than most in your age group'. Etc.

Sara is deeply religious. In fact, life is religion to her, religion is life. She is and will remain a staunch Jehovah's Witness. (She is not currently a dominant or even in the main sphere of front-line persons, "offline", as Heidi calls it. She describes it as being like a Friend on your msn messenger - you can see their name and profile, but they aren't avaliable to interact with)

Anyways.... She, when as the front-person, spends the majority of her time in Bible Study, whether personal (on her own) or at their meetings, or out door-knocking or any other type of religious thing. In her spare time she cross-stitches - usually lovely flower scenes, or quaint cottages. Her work is very beautiful. I couldn't handle the patience or dull-ness of it all, personally. Anyway..

She is a very black and white person. No fence-sitting. For the crime of the body (having been abused) which she sees as her own personal sin and failing (What the?!) anyways... For the crime of the body she believes that her blood must be offered as a sacrifice ~ poured out upon the ground. After she has fulfilled her religious duty to learn and teach and convert. Please note that I don't actually know all that much about J'W's ~ however I don't think that they ascribe to any of that particularly ~ its just her bizarre interpretation.

Her devotion, faith and belief are all very strong. She is a very strong person and has a high pain threshold and has managed through some incredible situations. I guess there is good and bad in every one. But she also carries a great weight of 'sin' for the things that were done to the body. She miscarried at one point when married and blames herself ~ she feels unworthy to have the blessing of a child when she is so rotten and filthy and unpure inside.

Anyway enough of this. Its making alot of people upset and I am starting to shake.. That's it for Sara.

Profile: Heidi

Heidi:
Heidi is our communicator. She is a lovely, caring soul and a rather new alter - actually our newest. She is the same age as the physical body but was created (to the best of my knowledge around the beginning of the year).
Heidi worries about everything: about her, about our child, our fiance, our extended family, the dishes, birds in the trees, people on the news, the state of the economy. She worries herself silly about all these things ~ creating ridiculous scenarios in order to be okay ie planning to save cardboard for when there is no money and we live in a box. Concern is fine ~ this woman makes herself frantic with worry.
Heidi is very emotional. She spends alot of time crying and some laughing. Her eyes well up with tears everytime something goes slightly wrong. And in our land ~ well that is every couple of hours. I find her funny in some ways like that (but she is not particularly appreciative of my opinion..wonder why???)
At first I didn't like Heidi much, I felt she was a useless, snivelling waste. Thanks to our dear fiance I am learning to understand and love her.

Why did I misunderstand her? Well Heidi is all those things above.. a worrying, emotional mostly unable to get things down person, rather opposite to me. But she has a massive role and its a large undertaking for a very new alter.

Heidi was created where there was need: apparently the committee felt it was necessary. (I will explain about them later). Obviously within any multiple person system some form of communicae is necessary ~ previously they had small free-for-alls at a large table. But due to the time taken with these and that there was no facilitator, they needed a better option. Ta da: creation Heidi.

Please understand that the creating of new alters in adulthood is not particularly common. It is only under great duress that the mind resorts to its previous methods of dealing with trauma and pain. And that time in life (when she was created, and i wasnt around) they were attempting to deal with normal life plus switching through 10-15 alters per day and being suicidal and self-harming 2 or more times a day. The grip on reality had failed. No bills were paid, no cleaning done, work was poor quality, family ignored, binge eating etc etc. Anyways...Here comes Heidi.

She was created and given the job of fixing. Poor soul. Who does that to a clueless person anyway? She has the ability to communicate with all the alters ~ she is able to be internal. She has met many I didn't even know about - but she has journalled it all so I can learn. She has had to listen to each of their pains and stories and memories and it was so devasting for her. I know you see it as all being in one mind ~ but imagine a person with no training, only a caring nature being given 30 ~ 40 different people, boys and girls of ages 2ish to 27 who have been sexually abused, molested, emotional abused, raped, silenced and who are frightened, confused, suicidal, bulimic etc etc.

It just knocked her flat. Heidi has almost constant migraines ~ thats how the alters tell her they are upset. They each have a different area of the head that gets pains. Some other DID people have tingling limb parts for different alters, or sounds in their ears. Its rather freaky.

OMG I have talked so much. Time to get organised for the day...