Lovers & Kisses

I was reading a great new blog I am following the other day called Lonely Hearts.
It reminds me of when I was single and 21. Anyways, I wanted to write about the standout kisses in my life. This will be an ongoing post topic as we go along.

1. Unexpected Passion
The best kiss in this section goes to young Mr F. I was at a pub with a mate of mine and his best friend, it was just a meeting spot to decide about dinner - when I got a call from a guy who I had been out with on a 'less than successful' date a few months before. I was surprised. He said he was lonely. He hadn't seen anyone since (weird?!) and would i like to see a movie. Of course I said "Yes". And upset the mate I was with (long story). Off I went. I was excited.

This guy dressed beautifully and was very intellectual. Confident in his brain and body etc in general but totally shy around girls. I knew this. I was (notice the was) a petite, great figured, flirtaceous female. We saw a movie, talked alot and went home to his house, had a coffee ~ and he made no indication of anything at all, so I said I had to go. It was about 11:30pm. It was pouring with rain, we had already moved his dogs inside and dried them etc etc. I walked off into the rain and down the drive...

I was about half way down (it was quite long and tree lined) when he bolted out the door into the rain and stopped 2cms in from of my face: "Please.. I don't want you to go" and he put his hands around my face and kissed me so passionately, as it poured down rain on us. It was the most romantic moment I had had at that time. Interestingly, We still didn't work. I didn't love him and he didn't want someone like me. But for a short time (and a forever frozen moment) I had the most unexpected passionate kiss. It was pure and beautiful and I won't ever forget it.

That said. I love my Fiance. And passion in love is so much more. Doesnt mean I can't remember the first times of things.

xxoo

OMG - I would NEVER do that

I had a phone call today.

Let me tell you about something that is unique to DID's sufferers - well so I imagine anyway - cant think of anyone else who might end up in this situation.

I had a phone call today.

This person, whom I (Sam) worked with in my year of ultimate reign, (This is how I will refer to the year when I was in full and total control of the body only co-conscious with one other alter, Kasey. No one else had any jurisdiction over my life at all) wanted to get in touch with me to catch up.

Said person and I flirted outrageously at that time when I was single and apparently "I" contacted them last year and expressed my dissatisfaction with my partner and interest in setting up a liason (as such). I asked how long ago was that, joking to make it sound authentic, and it was about 15 months ago. So 15 months ago an alter was trying to cheat on my partner. Our partner. This person was in a relationship at that time and is single now, and looking to 'catch-up'. Lol.

Sometimes it is very difficult to maintain the masquerade that is a dissociative mind. How do you explain to someone that you didn't actually proposition them. That you would never in a million years consider cheating on your wonderful partner. But that yes, it was you, sounded like you, came from your mouth? I had to lie of course, to maintain the facade. "My partner and I are fine now... it was a little fling... I am really busy... happy with my life".

Now most of that is correct, except the fling. I am completely happy and in love with my partner and very busy. And he says he will keep in touch blah blah blah.... I say sure, great to catch up, call me next year, drop me an email or something. No plans to meet, no plans to do anything. No real discussion of his single status or personal life. Just work and family.

But now I feel disgusting and dirty.

Of course it is unrealistic to imagine that all alters of a person would fall in love with or even remotely like the one person. But she wanted to cheat. To hurt. To throw away what they have. And that makes me sick. I pain for my partner. He knew about it all. She (the alter who did this) told him. To hurt him I think. I don't know. He told me all about it.

He said "it (our relationship) lost some of it's sparkle after that".

Ouch. I did that. I feel like I was kicked in the stomach. How did he feel at the time?

He says he forgives me, because it wasn't me. But it was, wasn't it? I have no recollection. No emotion attached to the images and stream of events that i have been given from the other alters. It wasn't me. But it still hurts. And I know it hurt my lover. I hate having alters.