Sam on Holiday

Hi,
I'm still around just disappearing and losing large chunks of time this last week. I guess it comes with the territory. I keep thinking of all these things i could blog about - but I don't get a chance.
Been a bad week. Still.

Hey...Did you remember to..?

Alters don't always share. Even when they communicate quite well.

Hey ... Did you remember to..? Says a friend, partner, family member, workmate.

Um. No. When did you ask me that? Right. Sorry. No, I didn't. I will get right on it.

And then you look like a big stupid bumbling idiot who can't remember important things. Newsflash: I wasn't told the important thing. ARG. It makes me angry. I need a better system ~ like a big white board, or a big jotter/notebook that I carry EVERYWHERE. Except I tried it once and the ones not sharing important stuff weren't writing it down either. Damned either way.

I am having an angry day today. I feel stupid and annoyed and frustrated and I keep disappearing ~ being almost sucked back in. I know that someone is intent on switching. I'm not though, and I am trying my darndest to stay here, all the tricks I know. I hope I don't get booted out.

Is that likely? Quite likely yes. For two reasons ~ I resist, so when someone wants to be out and they push hard enough *poof* I am gone again. But mostly because my 3 year old is being baby sat this afternoon ~ and the alters usually (by that I mean always) feel that they should have free reign at this time.

It all stinks.

By the way, I am on the lookout for other people with DID who blog.

Have a happy hysteria.

The Amnesia

I was reading another blog the other day, and I felt so sad for this person and what they are going through. I thought to myself..OMG how could I live through that? How could I cope with that? What would it be like to have those memories, thoughts, issues, reminders every day? I thought to myself..thank God my life is nothing like that and How on earth can I help?!

But then as I was thinking those things comes a torrent of angry thoughts and feelings from other alters... "we have gone through stuff, we have handled things, we have experienced that which no person should ever experience" "Our situation is different but we have issues too..."

And its true. I know "we" do. Except most of them, I don't have to live with everyday. See the beauty and curse of DID is that you can't remember because it didnt happen to you. Sometimes it makes life a tinsy bit easier - since for me, I dont have to freak out all the time.

Its other alters - when they are out on their own or with me that are hypersensitive, get migraines, shake constantly, throw up and gag alot, bite their fingers, self-harm etc. But not me.

And then there is the Major down sides. Being DID means that most of my life is blocked out. If someone rings to catch up and says "Remember the time when...." well guess what? I don't. It wasnt me. Now i can quickly check through the files, and ask whoever is around if they have any details - but whatever information or pictures are given to me are borrowed. Its like talking about a movie you've seen. You never really experienced it yourself.

I have had a whole life that I wasn't present for. And that is a fantastic thing and a terrible thing all at once.