The Amnesia

I was reading another blog the other day, and I felt so sad for this person and what they are going through. I thought to myself..OMG how could I live through that? How could I cope with that? What would it be like to have those memories, thoughts, issues, reminders every day? I thought to myself..thank God my life is nothing like that and How on earth can I help?!

But then as I was thinking those things comes a torrent of angry thoughts and feelings from other alters... "we have gone through stuff, we have handled things, we have experienced that which no person should ever experience" "Our situation is different but we have issues too..."

And its true. I know "we" do. Except most of them, I don't have to live with everyday. See the beauty and curse of DID is that you can't remember because it didnt happen to you. Sometimes it makes life a tinsy bit easier - since for me, I dont have to freak out all the time.

Its other alters - when they are out on their own or with me that are hypersensitive, get migraines, shake constantly, throw up and gag alot, bite their fingers, self-harm etc. But not me.

And then there is the Major down sides. Being DID means that most of my life is blocked out. If someone rings to catch up and says "Remember the time when...." well guess what? I don't. It wasnt me. Now i can quickly check through the files, and ask whoever is around if they have any details - but whatever information or pictures are given to me are borrowed. Its like talking about a movie you've seen. You never really experienced it yourself.

I have had a whole life that I wasn't present for. And that is a fantastic thing and a terrible thing all at once.

Worry Warts

Now how about this for freaky. I am currently calm and composed. I have bucket loads of work to get through - and yet... my whole body is shaking and my mind is being screamed at with 50 million decibels of worry.

You know when you have a panic attack or a stress session, its scary and upsetting and you can get very caught up in it all, with no way out. Well it seems a number of alters are experiencing just that. Except --- I'm Not.

The problem, today, revolves around money. Who's problems don't, seriously? Anyway.. We have an alter who is extremely and I mean 'to the point of total meltdown' susceptible to any mention of money worries. This alter goes nuts. This alter weighs up household items to sell, considers not eating or using power for two months, scours all the jobs in the area and wonders if they will have to sleep in the car.

Now that can happen, and I am quite aware that it is reality for far too many people today and that they show extraordinary strength in continuing on.

But, in our case this is completely unfounded. We are nowhere near that point - we will need to be AWARE of money and conscious not to spend when unnecessary - but the absolute strength of her fear takes us over. We end up with migraines and stomach pains. She is a strong projector.

The funny part for me is it's like being stuck in a movie, or a room with a nutcase - I can see all this and feel all this - and it is happening in the mind and body I share - but I dont share the sentiments or the fear. My appathy and apparent lack of concern generally only agravate the situation, but sometimes I can't help it. I want to get things done - not be crippled by baseless fears.

Image from here

But for this alter, those things are real. She handled it when there was nothing.. even as a child when there was no anything and need to scramble for anything and scrimp and be extra vigilant. She handled it.

OOOO this is all so mixed up....