Today It Hit

Today the fall out began.
I did not expect it. We had houses to inspect because we have to be out of here in 5 weeks. So we were organised to house hunt for the day.
Today we began to fall apart.
I knew it was coming. But not today. Any other day.

My partner knew it would be today.

Last night, he said, yellow submarine girl was there in the background. He knew it would be today.
I don't know her age, or what happened to her - only that she sings the beatles song 'yellow submarine' over and over in her mind when she is frightened. We were at the end of being intimate (me being very careful to listen out for any others coming into something that they wouldn't understand) when she came through. He is a good man. He listens when I say "someone's here" he doesnt do anything - he puts clothes over us and talks to the littles that come through if they do. He is a good man. I mean that truthfully. My ex-husband ignored or delighted in tormenting and re-abusing them. But this man - he treats them like they are real children, in front of him, thrown into something beyond them.
Anyway, so he knew. He knew today we would fall apart.

It was McHappy day at Mcdonalds, and we went there to take our daughter for lunch. A police officer came over (they were volunteering) and asked her if she wanted her face painted - she nodded and followed him. Children are so vulnerable, so trusting, so innocent. My partner followed her - I fell apart. In the corner of McDonalds. I cried for the innocence that is taken away from the children of abuse. For all my tiny littles. Who's trust in the man who was their father - was smashed, broken, shattered, crushed, violated, i can't think of a word to describe it.
So in McDonalds. I fell apart.
Heidi woke up this morning with a killer migraine - they all decided today they would begin to talk again. Tried in vain to get rid of it. Finally tonight it is gone.

But that's only because I have taken the mind away. Heidi is offline - along with the rest of them. Somewhere suffering in silence. Until we have the safety to let them fall apart - with no risk of self-injury or life-damage.

What a daft post this is. Oh well. Good bye.

Profile: Sara

Warning: Content may trigger. Please use caution if you find some topics in association with religion to be a trigger.

Today's post is going to be about Sara.

Not that I want it to be ~ but that's the way things are in this head, sometimes you get the choice, sometimes you don't. So suck it up.

Sara is ... devoted, indoctrinated, fanaticated (not a real word).

Sara is a person who is around the age of late teen ie 19ish. She has always been around that age - from about as far as I can access which is about body age 12. Thus many comments from teachers, church members etc, 'you are so mature for your age', 'so serious', 'a real depth of understanding and interest' 'much more studious than most in your age group'. Etc.

Sara is deeply religious. In fact, life is religion to her, religion is life. She is and will remain a staunch Jehovah's Witness. (She is not currently a dominant or even in the main sphere of front-line persons, "offline", as Heidi calls it. She describes it as being like a Friend on your msn messenger - you can see their name and profile, but they aren't avaliable to interact with)

Anyways.... She, when as the front-person, spends the majority of her time in Bible Study, whether personal (on her own) or at their meetings, or out door-knocking or any other type of religious thing. In her spare time she cross-stitches - usually lovely flower scenes, or quaint cottages. Her work is very beautiful. I couldn't handle the patience or dull-ness of it all, personally. Anyway..

She is a very black and white person. No fence-sitting. For the crime of the body (having been abused) which she sees as her own personal sin and failing (What the?!) anyways... For the crime of the body she believes that her blood must be offered as a sacrifice ~ poured out upon the ground. After she has fulfilled her religious duty to learn and teach and convert. Please note that I don't actually know all that much about J'W's ~ however I don't think that they ascribe to any of that particularly ~ its just her bizarre interpretation.

Her devotion, faith and belief are all very strong. She is a very strong person and has a high pain threshold and has managed through some incredible situations. I guess there is good and bad in every one. But she also carries a great weight of 'sin' for the things that were done to the body. She miscarried at one point when married and blames herself ~ she feels unworthy to have the blessing of a child when she is so rotten and filthy and unpure inside.

Anyway enough of this. Its making alot of people upset and I am starting to shake.. That's it for Sara.