Good Evening!

Well hasn't it been ages since I have blogged!!
Things have changed drastically for us. In a good way (well I think)

And yes I know its not great from a Multiple view but I need this right now.

So you know how I was having issues with all this change and multiplicity etc. I went and got a Full-time job. So now we are a mum and a fiance and a worker - I commute to the city, I work all day. Its exhausting and its all me. I am in full control. Ultimate control.

Kasey and I, really. No Heidi, no physco stress bunnies.

I know its not the best solution, but I am not a mulitple. Seriously and I can't live like that.

Its a long story how I managed to get them all to agree. And I guess I'm on probation really. But unless we have a trigger or something major - its only me. Only me thinking, only me talking... oh thank f))*##*( lord. Only me. I know I am selfish. But you can still judge me.

It was actually a family decision - to go this road - because we really weren't coping at all. I know at some point in the future I will have to again relinquish control. But for now, I am it and I am happy with that. I am happy. But then I am Sam
and I have always been happy as me.

I know that most of you are going through tough times - cause it never really ends for us... (even when we are Ultimately Reigning...lol) so hang in there. One day this life will be over and in the mean time... every once and a while nice distractions come along...

Even if it Doesn't matter, You gotta get on With It

So hello,
Did I mention that we moved house? Did I mention that I LOVE it?!
New house, new rules. My rules. HHHEEE HEEEE :- my SO is a little skeptical about the new regime, but we shall see...

I have chosen a place to live that I (Samantha) like and no one else is able to inhabit the body while in this house. Kasey is back co with me. Thank the Lord - life is ordered now. I have as much order as a half dead cochroach on my own, but Kasey - oh the world is perfectly white, crisp sheet of paper with her.
We have made concessions to ensure that the rest of the family are looked after in this - the next year of ultimate reign. We are conscious that we have to not ignore problems and not pretend like we arent multiple (even though I still can't handle the whole freaky idea)

So now we have to organise what we are doing (Me and Kasey) and where we are going. Oh and buy new stuff and package up all the crap from the others for the past 4 ish years.

It's been good so far. And Yes - I got Heidi's permission to have her not co-conscious, before I kicked her to the curb...lol. All above board. My first successful TakeOver. Yippee!!!

But to be serious, there is alot of work ahead to get life back to a point where I could look at it and say "I am successful" cause at the moment everyone looks at it and says "You are successful, considering your multiplicity" but I don't want that factored in. I want to be amazing just as S & K.

We rule...

For the doubters out there - I am fully aware that this is not a failsafe option, that takeovers are traumatic and difficult and that the others have issues and needs as well. We have put in place measures to deal with those things and measures to ensure that daily life is held standard so the bizarre switching and dangerous memory issues are not present so much. It's just not good for a chick with a partner and a child.

Cheers for today! Cheers for tomorrow!

You see, it really doesnt matter if it all Suxs to the SkY. You still gotta get up off your butt and keep doing something.. else nothing gonna get done. And then who's fault is it that life suxs....
(Oh right, that'd be me, AGAIN)

:)

Maybe it doesnt matter

Do you really think that what we say or do or ramble on about matters?

I wonder really. Who cares how we live our lives... who gets to judge? Why aren't we happy if nobody really can judge? Is it all about our conscience? Is that what judges us harshly each and every day? Is that what punishes us with rude comments and mean gestures and unloving behaviour? I know we punish us all the time. So do others.

Who are we living this stupid life for anyway? Does it get any better? So frigging what if we survived hell on earth as a 2 year old, if we have to carry the f((&*^*&^ weight of it around for the rest of our bloody lives.

I am in a shitty, satyrical mood today and unimpressed with life in general. Great way to start a new year. But who cares really. The last million years of life have sucked... why would this one be any better?

Sure they look great on top, and there are moments that almost reach joyousness - but it's all superficial really. Cause just under the surface is a smouldering pustule of hate and regret and pain and suffering and a whole bunch of people unable to get away from any of it. They just sit suspended in filth and punishment and retribution - of what - ? of being born. That's f((*** what. That's their crime. They were god-damn born. To wish away your very life existence - the very fabric of your being.

That's harsh. But it's our reality isn't it people, and in my opinion is probably many many peoples reality. Not just us multi people's.

Well congrats on the new year everyone. Hope it suxs less than last year for you, I have no such hope. But I do hope to lose a dress size (blah... how funny) and buy a pair of bright red shoes...

Here I am

I want to post. I have wanted to post all day, even though it's only early.

We are moving house on the weekend. And we have created a new agreement - self-binding when we move in.

I was back in semi-control of the body in August. Its December. So we have given the 'sharing' thing a try. It's just not working. Nothing is working. Life as a bunch of people - I can't do it.

So with some clauses to tweek the original issues of why me and Kasey can't be in full body control. From Monday we begin to take back control. I know you need more explanation - because just blogging this little bit doesn't give anything up really. But its important for me.

The thing I am wondering about today is what to do with everyone's stuff. I don't want it. It's not mine. I don't even like 98% of it. So do i buy a million boxes to put it all in or throw it all away.

I know the answer. It's just soooo frustrating to have to pack up someone else's life so that you can live yours. But its only a week away... Ohhhhh I think i am getting excited.

Heidi has agreed to give permanent control back to me (as long as Kasey and I are co-conscious again) with the proviso that she is allowed time with our partner when she needs it AND that Kasey and I listen and address any issues that she brings us on behalf of everyone else.

Life - HERE I AM

It gets in My Way

It really gets in my way, this dissociative thing. I want to be a whole person, with a whole body - who remembers EVERYTHING that happens to them.
I probably would amend that if I could remember it all - but I can't. Missing hours, days, months, years, last night and this morning.
I wonder if I could actually be really great at something - if I wasn't always switching. If I forced the year of Ultimate Reign back upon them : would I get it all back? And would I get lynch mobbed out of the front line again if I did?
Is that selfish to want to be in control of my own life? My own destiny? Be responsible and accountable for all of my actions - and to actually have them have been MY actions?
If I had the choice - I wouldn't be what I am now. I would walk out that door and live my life and not switch to someone else half way. I would stand up and do whatever it is I want.
But here I am - having no idea what 'we' want - because we all want different things. And what I want?
Its not compatible with life in general.

Oh well.

Wednesday

Not in a great head space, so I am not going to blog much - just enough to suffice a post for NaBloPoMo.

Have got through a good amount of paperwork etc today. I am satisfied. Seems like everyone is still a little numb. Just worried that they are going to crack at some point in the near future - as terrified littles are wont to do.

I wish I had better relaxation techniques that worked for all of us. My old techniques (in the year of Ultimate Reign) didn't need to include littles and tweens etc and so they don't work anymore for the whole lot of them. I relax, but they don't. This whole - living together - is a bit of hard work. Too hard some days.

Be well.

Today's Post

I don't know what Today's Post is going to be about yet ~ so I will just type. I have been known to be inspirational at times ~ but then again I don't think that that was actually me. I am too realistic.

I miss my life so much. It's one of the hardest things about being DID I reckon. Its like sitting visiting a park bench - you love it, you sit watching the trees, the dappled sunlight filters through huge old knarled branches, it makes you calm.



And then suddenly you realise you have been gone for a some time ~ now you are on the bench but the paint is fading, there are new saplings around and someone has put stones over the old dirt path.

And then.. once again you realise you have been gone for a while. The park bench is old and the paint peeling off, the old majestic tree is still there, but now there is a play ground and cement paths..

Its all kind of the same, but you miss the essence of what was yours. Its not really yours anymore. Now you share it, now you yearn for what you had. Now you cry ~ because you can never have it back again.

Life is altered irreversibly and it had nothing to do with you. You have no choice. I have no choice. It might seem you have infinite choices with a fractured mind ~ but in fact YOU HAVE NONE.

Lovers & Kisses

I was reading a great new blog I am following the other day called Lonely Hearts.
It reminds me of when I was single and 21. Anyways, I wanted to write about the standout kisses in my life. This will be an ongoing post topic as we go along.

1. Unexpected Passion
The best kiss in this section goes to young Mr F. I was at a pub with a mate of mine and his best friend, it was just a meeting spot to decide about dinner - when I got a call from a guy who I had been out with on a 'less than successful' date a few months before. I was surprised. He said he was lonely. He hadn't seen anyone since (weird?!) and would i like to see a movie. Of course I said "Yes". And upset the mate I was with (long story). Off I went. I was excited.

This guy dressed beautifully and was very intellectual. Confident in his brain and body etc in general but totally shy around girls. I knew this. I was (notice the was) a petite, great figured, flirtaceous female. We saw a movie, talked alot and went home to his house, had a coffee ~ and he made no indication of anything at all, so I said I had to go. It was about 11:30pm. It was pouring with rain, we had already moved his dogs inside and dried them etc etc. I walked off into the rain and down the drive...

I was about half way down (it was quite long and tree lined) when he bolted out the door into the rain and stopped 2cms in from of my face: "Please.. I don't want you to go" and he put his hands around my face and kissed me so passionately, as it poured down rain on us. It was the most romantic moment I had had at that time. Interestingly, We still didn't work. I didn't love him and he didn't want someone like me. But for a short time (and a forever frozen moment) I had the most unexpected passionate kiss. It was pure and beautiful and I won't ever forget it.

That said. I love my Fiance. And passion in love is so much more. Doesnt mean I can't remember the first times of things.

xxoo

OMG - I would NEVER do that

I had a phone call today.

Let me tell you about something that is unique to DID's sufferers - well so I imagine anyway - cant think of anyone else who might end up in this situation.

I had a phone call today.

This person, whom I (Sam) worked with in my year of ultimate reign, (This is how I will refer to the year when I was in full and total control of the body only co-conscious with one other alter, Kasey. No one else had any jurisdiction over my life at all) wanted to get in touch with me to catch up.

Said person and I flirted outrageously at that time when I was single and apparently "I" contacted them last year and expressed my dissatisfaction with my partner and interest in setting up a liason (as such). I asked how long ago was that, joking to make it sound authentic, and it was about 15 months ago. So 15 months ago an alter was trying to cheat on my partner. Our partner. This person was in a relationship at that time and is single now, and looking to 'catch-up'. Lol.

Sometimes it is very difficult to maintain the masquerade that is a dissociative mind. How do you explain to someone that you didn't actually proposition them. That you would never in a million years consider cheating on your wonderful partner. But that yes, it was you, sounded like you, came from your mouth? I had to lie of course, to maintain the facade. "My partner and I are fine now... it was a little fling... I am really busy... happy with my life".

Now most of that is correct, except the fling. I am completely happy and in love with my partner and very busy. And he says he will keep in touch blah blah blah.... I say sure, great to catch up, call me next year, drop me an email or something. No plans to meet, no plans to do anything. No real discussion of his single status or personal life. Just work and family.

But now I feel disgusting and dirty.

Of course it is unrealistic to imagine that all alters of a person would fall in love with or even remotely like the one person. But she wanted to cheat. To hurt. To throw away what they have. And that makes me sick. I pain for my partner. He knew about it all. She (the alter who did this) told him. To hurt him I think. I don't know. He told me all about it.

He said "it (our relationship) lost some of it's sparkle after that".

Ouch. I did that. I feel like I was kicked in the stomach. How did he feel at the time?

He says he forgives me, because it wasn't me. But it was, wasn't it? I have no recollection. No emotion attached to the images and stream of events that i have been given from the other alters. It wasn't me. But it still hurts. And I know it hurt my lover. I hate having alters.

Thats Life Now

Ok, So I am happy with my one post blog so far - and I am quite skeptical that anyone will ever read it, but that's okay. I guess this is as much for us as it is for anyone of you out there.

It seems to me that blogs are to speak about what's going on with you personally - like a chat to a friend, except that I don't speak about myselves alot and the reasons are fairly obvious.

I have become quite comfortable with the fact that I am an alter - that I am part of many people. In fact, I have only been back as a personality for a few months now. I held the body for over a year back about 5 years ago - and then I was pushed out. Into the blackness, only allowed back when some other personality required information, and then only for a moment. But that is beside the topic.

What I wanted to talk about now was me stuff. Just me. So what's going on with me? Well I am trying to get this life back into a shape that I like - which is hard when you are fighting with other people who actually have just as much say.

Here's what I have done in the past few months:

Begun a better eating plan
Begun regular walking (to tone up the flabby bits - they are EVERYWHERE)
Started up my own E-Store
Reinvigorated the Old E-Store that was set up by another Alter
Purchased much nicer clothing
Thrown myself at my wonderful partner
And generally continued on in life so no-one really notices that I am a completely different individual

What's been hard about being thrown back in this life:

This life now is soooo different to the one I got removed from. I was a single working girl, studying at night and partying on the weekends. I rented a cute little one bedroom flat and had just met the love of my life. I had no responsibilites, no debts - just me.

And now... I have a house in an urban area, a young daughter, a fiance (still the wonderful hunk that "I" found) no secular job, and I don't study anything. Life is filled with motherly duties and taking care of things, responsibilities and dull, frumpy clothing.

Honestly it was liking waking up in my own personal nightmare. Dissociative Identity Disorder is such a bitch sometimes. Anyway - I am pushing on and attempting to live life how it is now... lets all pray I can keep it up...

New Idea

Our Blog ~ or I should say ~ My Blog.

I am living with something called Dissociative Identity Disorder DID - (formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder or MPD)

Call it whatever you like - but it means that I am never alone. I can never just be me. There is always someone else's thoughts, desires, wants and needs pushing into what I am.

Oh well, you say. So what, you say. You have to be a hermit to avoid that.

True ~ except in our case ~ all the people are on the inside. I look normal. I have a normal face, normal body ~ 2 legs etc. And yet I have to share a body with a variety of other people - many whom I seem to have nothing in common with (except the obvious ie. the body).

Anyways... I want to blog about it for the following reasons ~
1. I personally think that Blogs are a fantastic form of self-expression
2. I really need to get my head around being DID and accepting it and all its crappy facets
3. Maybe if I write it and put it out there for real, maybe it won't be so hard to accept myself for what we are.

So Thats it for now except an introduction ~

Hello, my name is Sam ~ short for Samantha, And this is MY BLOG.

Cheers!