OMG - I would NEVER do that

I had a phone call today.

Let me tell you about something that is unique to DID's sufferers - well so I imagine anyway - cant think of anyone else who might end up in this situation.

I had a phone call today.

This person, whom I (Sam) worked with in my year of ultimate reign, (This is how I will refer to the year when I was in full and total control of the body only co-conscious with one other alter, Kasey. No one else had any jurisdiction over my life at all) wanted to get in touch with me to catch up.

Said person and I flirted outrageously at that time when I was single and apparently "I" contacted them last year and expressed my dissatisfaction with my partner and interest in setting up a liason (as such). I asked how long ago was that, joking to make it sound authentic, and it was about 15 months ago. So 15 months ago an alter was trying to cheat on my partner. Our partner. This person was in a relationship at that time and is single now, and looking to 'catch-up'. Lol.

Sometimes it is very difficult to maintain the masquerade that is a dissociative mind. How do you explain to someone that you didn't actually proposition them. That you would never in a million years consider cheating on your wonderful partner. But that yes, it was you, sounded like you, came from your mouth? I had to lie of course, to maintain the facade. "My partner and I are fine now... it was a little fling... I am really busy... happy with my life".

Now most of that is correct, except the fling. I am completely happy and in love with my partner and very busy. And he says he will keep in touch blah blah blah.... I say sure, great to catch up, call me next year, drop me an email or something. No plans to meet, no plans to do anything. No real discussion of his single status or personal life. Just work and family.

But now I feel disgusting and dirty.

Of course it is unrealistic to imagine that all alters of a person would fall in love with or even remotely like the one person. But she wanted to cheat. To hurt. To throw away what they have. And that makes me sick. I pain for my partner. He knew about it all. She (the alter who did this) told him. To hurt him I think. I don't know. He told me all about it.

He said "it (our relationship) lost some of it's sparkle after that".

Ouch. I did that. I feel like I was kicked in the stomach. How did he feel at the time?

He says he forgives me, because it wasn't me. But it was, wasn't it? I have no recollection. No emotion attached to the images and stream of events that i have been given from the other alters. It wasn't me. But it still hurts. And I know it hurt my lover. I hate having alters.