Sam on Holiday

Hi,
I'm still around just disappearing and losing large chunks of time this last week. I guess it comes with the territory. I keep thinking of all these things i could blog about - but I don't get a chance.
Been a bad week. Still.

So disappointed - oh well

Oh well. I was trying to blog everyday for NaBloPoMo - but yesterday me and my girls had a vomiting bug. And I didn't post. Totally fled my mind (along with bills, washing, everything).
Oh well. It was only a trial thing. Still disappointed in myself.

Sunday

It's Sunday night. And that's okay. I counted up how many migraine tablets we have taken this week - how many are missing from the box, since I wasn't in control of it. 40 tablets. Not bad for a week. Obviously a bad week.
Oh what a funny joke.

Hi - I had a bad week. Why? Well i was sexually molested and abused as a child, became a DID multi person from it and happened randomly to be standing 1 metre from that same abuser momentarily on Monday. Why should it have been bad. LOL.

Cheers for the week anyways! I am going to turn in early.

Today It Hit

Today the fall out began.
I did not expect it. We had houses to inspect because we have to be out of here in 5 weeks. So we were organised to house hunt for the day.
Today we began to fall apart.
I knew it was coming. But not today. Any other day.

My partner knew it would be today.

Last night, he said, yellow submarine girl was there in the background. He knew it would be today.
I don't know her age, or what happened to her - only that she sings the beatles song 'yellow submarine' over and over in her mind when she is frightened. We were at the end of being intimate (me being very careful to listen out for any others coming into something that they wouldn't understand) when she came through. He is a good man. He listens when I say "someone's here" he doesnt do anything - he puts clothes over us and talks to the littles that come through if they do. He is a good man. I mean that truthfully. My ex-husband ignored or delighted in tormenting and re-abusing them. But this man - he treats them like they are real children, in front of him, thrown into something beyond them.
Anyway, so he knew. He knew today we would fall apart.

It was McHappy day at Mcdonalds, and we went there to take our daughter for lunch. A police officer came over (they were volunteering) and asked her if she wanted her face painted - she nodded and followed him. Children are so vulnerable, so trusting, so innocent. My partner followed her - I fell apart. In the corner of McDonalds. I cried for the innocence that is taken away from the children of abuse. For all my tiny littles. Who's trust in the man who was their father - was smashed, broken, shattered, crushed, violated, i can't think of a word to describe it.
So in McDonalds. I fell apart.
Heidi woke up this morning with a killer migraine - they all decided today they would begin to talk again. Tried in vain to get rid of it. Finally tonight it is gone.

But that's only because I have taken the mind away. Heidi is offline - along with the rest of them. Somewhere suffering in silence. Until we have the safety to let them fall apart - with no risk of self-injury or life-damage.

What a daft post this is. Oh well. Good bye.

It gets in My Way

It really gets in my way, this dissociative thing. I want to be a whole person, with a whole body - who remembers EVERYTHING that happens to them.
I probably would amend that if I could remember it all - but I can't. Missing hours, days, months, years, last night and this morning.
I wonder if I could actually be really great at something - if I wasn't always switching. If I forced the year of Ultimate Reign back upon them : would I get it all back? And would I get lynch mobbed out of the front line again if I did?
Is that selfish to want to be in control of my own life? My own destiny? Be responsible and accountable for all of my actions - and to actually have them have been MY actions?
If I had the choice - I wouldn't be what I am now. I would walk out that door and live my life and not switch to someone else half way. I would stand up and do whatever it is I want.
But here I am - having no idea what 'we' want - because we all want different things. And what I want?
Its not compatible with life in general.

Oh well.

Pretty Pink Things for Heidi

Heidi has been really stressed from the lack of communication and internal numbness. I hate that I have to care, but she is really stressed. And as our partner has said to her - don't worry - enjoy and take the time to relax while they are silent and you can better deal with it when they start talking again.

Heidi is someone who likes to look at pretty things - not necessarily own them or look like them. So this post is Pretty Pink Things for Heidi :

Wednesday

Not in a great head space, so I am not going to blog much - just enough to suffice a post for NaBloPoMo.

Have got through a good amount of paperwork etc today. I am satisfied. Seems like everyone is still a little numb. Just worried that they are going to crack at some point in the near future - as terrified littles are wont to do.

I wish I had better relaxation techniques that worked for all of us. My old techniques (in the year of Ultimate Reign) didn't need to include littles and tweens etc and so they don't work anymore for the whole lot of them. I relax, but they don't. This whole - living together - is a bit of hard work. Too hard some days.

Be well.