Besides that..

Besides the good stuff - I will mention that I didn't blog in February because FEBRUARY SUXS.

February is a million shitty things. It contains the birth bodies birthday, it contains the day I left my marriage, the day i was married, was "baptised", lost a beautiful baby (in utero), every time I turn around in February - its another Nightmare day....


Trigger central!!

Good Evening!

Well hasn't it been ages since I have blogged!!
Things have changed drastically for us. In a good way (well I think)

And yes I know its not great from a Multiple view but I need this right now.

So you know how I was having issues with all this change and multiplicity etc. I went and got a Full-time job. So now we are a mum and a fiance and a worker - I commute to the city, I work all day. Its exhausting and its all me. I am in full control. Ultimate control.

Kasey and I, really. No Heidi, no physco stress bunnies.

I know its not the best solution, but I am not a mulitple. Seriously and I can't live like that.

Its a long story how I managed to get them all to agree. And I guess I'm on probation really. But unless we have a trigger or something major - its only me. Only me thinking, only me talking... oh thank f))*##*( lord. Only me. I know I am selfish. But you can still judge me.

It was actually a family decision - to go this road - because we really weren't coping at all. I know at some point in the future I will have to again relinquish control. But for now, I am it and I am happy with that. I am happy. But then I am Sam
and I have always been happy as me.

I know that most of you are going through tough times - cause it never really ends for us... (even when we are Ultimately Reigning...lol) so hang in there. One day this life will be over and in the mean time... every once and a while nice distractions come along...

Tell me Which Direction!!!

I am trying really hard to focus and get on with it, but damn it's not that easy. I just can't seem to decide which way to go. Do I keep the job/life structure that they had, that Heidi had or the home business that Amy started? Do I go back to my old line of work and life?

I am so twisted inside out at the moment that it's insane. It's like I need to jump out of myself to see perspective. But I know that in uttering that I am invoking a terrible desire for someone/anyone who is lurking to take over the body.

Oh No You Bloody Don't!!!

I am struggling but not ready to give in People. I am just finding it hard to know who I am. NO. Actually, I know who I am. I am finding it hard to .... see how to fit who I am into the life that we have now. Haven't I said that all along...

+++++

Flashbacks the other night. Body on edge. I could watch, as is usual - and I eventually forced my way back to control. You know, I watch my partner while they are there - reliving things that he doesnt even have the capacity to come close to accepting or replicating or being okay with, and I hurt for him. He sees that they are terrified of him, he knows what they think he will do, he knows I am not there, its not me. And he knows that he cannot get me back by his care, by his voice or by his actions. He knows that he must leave the grown woman who is shirking, terrified of him, shaking in the corner and walk away. He knows he must state his name, why he is there and that if we need him - he will be just in the next room. And then he must wait.
That must be agony really. To see on your fiance's face - the fear that a four year old felt at the hands of her abuser. At the hands of her own father.
He is a father now. Of a child the same age. And he cries when we talk about it, how could ruin something so beautifully innocent as the learning, wondering, amazingness of a small child. They love unconditionally, with no thought for the evilness of this world. They wonder so openly, with no knowledge of the prejudice or pain of the earth. And those that do this terrible thing say it is out of love.
You know not of love, nor of giving, nor of unselfish care and consideration for others.
You are nothing. Do you understand? NOthing! You are scum on this earth. You do not love. You only have evil where the love should be. Maybe you are blind to it, but that is how it is.

I know of love. I know of the love of a child, the love of a person who stands by you, despite your failings, despite the fact you are unstable and freakish in nature. I know of the love of friends who risk their way of life for you. I know of love.

You have none. And at every turn possible. I will prevent anyone I know of even coming close to being in contact or having any small affection for you. You will never see your Beautiful Innocent almost four-year-old GrandDaughter. You will never see my sweet and tiny little neice. You will never lay a finger on them, nor sight them, nor speak to them. For as long as my body and mind are conscious. So I shall remain steadfast in this.

What I could not have. I WILL PROVIDE FOR MY CHILD. Not food, not shelter, not education (though you were lacking in all of those for us) but Love. Unconditional, unsullied, unadulterated, unevil: Love. You truly f$^#*@(d up my existance. I stand now, to succeed despite you. Inspite of you. Your actions cannot be forgiven by me.

I turned away from you years ago. I reaffirm it. It will be Forever.

Even if it Doesn't matter, You gotta get on With It

So hello,
Did I mention that we moved house? Did I mention that I LOVE it?!
New house, new rules. My rules. HHHEEE HEEEE :- my SO is a little skeptical about the new regime, but we shall see...

I have chosen a place to live that I (Samantha) like and no one else is able to inhabit the body while in this house. Kasey is back co with me. Thank the Lord - life is ordered now. I have as much order as a half dead cochroach on my own, but Kasey - oh the world is perfectly white, crisp sheet of paper with her.
We have made concessions to ensure that the rest of the family are looked after in this - the next year of ultimate reign. We are conscious that we have to not ignore problems and not pretend like we arent multiple (even though I still can't handle the whole freaky idea)

So now we have to organise what we are doing (Me and Kasey) and where we are going. Oh and buy new stuff and package up all the crap from the others for the past 4 ish years.

It's been good so far. And Yes - I got Heidi's permission to have her not co-conscious, before I kicked her to the curb...lol. All above board. My first successful TakeOver. Yippee!!!

But to be serious, there is alot of work ahead to get life back to a point where I could look at it and say "I am successful" cause at the moment everyone looks at it and says "You are successful, considering your multiplicity" but I don't want that factored in. I want to be amazing just as S & K.

We rule...

For the doubters out there - I am fully aware that this is not a failsafe option, that takeovers are traumatic and difficult and that the others have issues and needs as well. We have put in place measures to deal with those things and measures to ensure that daily life is held standard so the bizarre switching and dangerous memory issues are not present so much. It's just not good for a chick with a partner and a child.

Cheers for today! Cheers for tomorrow!

You see, it really doesnt matter if it all Suxs to the SkY. You still gotta get up off your butt and keep doing something.. else nothing gonna get done. And then who's fault is it that life suxs....
(Oh right, that'd be me, AGAIN)

:)

Maybe it doesnt matter

Do you really think that what we say or do or ramble on about matters?

I wonder really. Who cares how we live our lives... who gets to judge? Why aren't we happy if nobody really can judge? Is it all about our conscience? Is that what judges us harshly each and every day? Is that what punishes us with rude comments and mean gestures and unloving behaviour? I know we punish us all the time. So do others.

Who are we living this stupid life for anyway? Does it get any better? So frigging what if we survived hell on earth as a 2 year old, if we have to carry the f((&*^*&^ weight of it around for the rest of our bloody lives.

I am in a shitty, satyrical mood today and unimpressed with life in general. Great way to start a new year. But who cares really. The last million years of life have sucked... why would this one be any better?

Sure they look great on top, and there are moments that almost reach joyousness - but it's all superficial really. Cause just under the surface is a smouldering pustule of hate and regret and pain and suffering and a whole bunch of people unable to get away from any of it. They just sit suspended in filth and punishment and retribution - of what - ? of being born. That's f((*** what. That's their crime. They were god-damn born. To wish away your very life existence - the very fabric of your being.

That's harsh. But it's our reality isn't it people, and in my opinion is probably many many peoples reality. Not just us multi people's.

Well congrats on the new year everyone. Hope it suxs less than last year for you, I have no such hope. But I do hope to lose a dress size (blah... how funny) and buy a pair of bright red shoes...

Here I am

I want to post. I have wanted to post all day, even though it's only early.

We are moving house on the weekend. And we have created a new agreement - self-binding when we move in.

I was back in semi-control of the body in August. Its December. So we have given the 'sharing' thing a try. It's just not working. Nothing is working. Life as a bunch of people - I can't do it.

So with some clauses to tweek the original issues of why me and Kasey can't be in full body control. From Monday we begin to take back control. I know you need more explanation - because just blogging this little bit doesn't give anything up really. But its important for me.

The thing I am wondering about today is what to do with everyone's stuff. I don't want it. It's not mine. I don't even like 98% of it. So do i buy a million boxes to put it all in or throw it all away.

I know the answer. It's just soooo frustrating to have to pack up someone else's life so that you can live yours. But its only a week away... Ohhhhh I think i am getting excited.

Heidi has agreed to give permanent control back to me (as long as Kasey and I are co-conscious again) with the proviso that she is allowed time with our partner when she needs it AND that Kasey and I listen and address any issues that she brings us on behalf of everyone else.

Life - HERE I AM

Sam on Holiday

Hi,
I'm still around just disappearing and losing large chunks of time this last week. I guess it comes with the territory. I keep thinking of all these things i could blog about - but I don't get a chance.
Been a bad week. Still.