Tell me Which Direction!!!

I am trying really hard to focus and get on with it, but damn it's not that easy. I just can't seem to decide which way to go. Do I keep the job/life structure that they had, that Heidi had or the home business that Amy started? Do I go back to my old line of work and life?

I am so twisted inside out at the moment that it's insane. It's like I need to jump out of myself to see perspective. But I know that in uttering that I am invoking a terrible desire for someone/anyone who is lurking to take over the body.

Oh No You Bloody Don't!!!

I am struggling but not ready to give in People. I am just finding it hard to know who I am. NO. Actually, I know who I am. I am finding it hard to .... see how to fit who I am into the life that we have now. Haven't I said that all along...

+++++

Flashbacks the other night. Body on edge. I could watch, as is usual - and I eventually forced my way back to control. You know, I watch my partner while they are there - reliving things that he doesnt even have the capacity to come close to accepting or replicating or being okay with, and I hurt for him. He sees that they are terrified of him, he knows what they think he will do, he knows I am not there, its not me. And he knows that he cannot get me back by his care, by his voice or by his actions. He knows that he must leave the grown woman who is shirking, terrified of him, shaking in the corner and walk away. He knows he must state his name, why he is there and that if we need him - he will be just in the next room. And then he must wait.
That must be agony really. To see on your fiance's face - the fear that a four year old felt at the hands of her abuser. At the hands of her own father.
He is a father now. Of a child the same age. And he cries when we talk about it, how could ruin something so beautifully innocent as the learning, wondering, amazingness of a small child. They love unconditionally, with no thought for the evilness of this world. They wonder so openly, with no knowledge of the prejudice or pain of the earth. And those that do this terrible thing say it is out of love.
You know not of love, nor of giving, nor of unselfish care and consideration for others.
You are nothing. Do you understand? NOthing! You are scum on this earth. You do not love. You only have evil where the love should be. Maybe you are blind to it, but that is how it is.

I know of love. I know of the love of a child, the love of a person who stands by you, despite your failings, despite the fact you are unstable and freakish in nature. I know of the love of friends who risk their way of life for you. I know of love.

You have none. And at every turn possible. I will prevent anyone I know of even coming close to being in contact or having any small affection for you. You will never see your Beautiful Innocent almost four-year-old GrandDaughter. You will never see my sweet and tiny little neice. You will never lay a finger on them, nor sight them, nor speak to them. For as long as my body and mind are conscious. So I shall remain steadfast in this.

What I could not have. I WILL PROVIDE FOR MY CHILD. Not food, not shelter, not education (though you were lacking in all of those for us) but Love. Unconditional, unsullied, unadulterated, unevil: Love. You truly f$^#*@(d up my existance. I stand now, to succeed despite you. Inspite of you. Your actions cannot be forgiven by me.

I turned away from you years ago. I reaffirm it. It will be Forever.