Hey...Did you remember to..?

Alters don't always share. Even when they communicate quite well.

Hey ... Did you remember to..? Says a friend, partner, family member, workmate.

Um. No. When did you ask me that? Right. Sorry. No, I didn't. I will get right on it.

And then you look like a big stupid bumbling idiot who can't remember important things. Newsflash: I wasn't told the important thing. ARG. It makes me angry. I need a better system ~ like a big white board, or a big jotter/notebook that I carry EVERYWHERE. Except I tried it once and the ones not sharing important stuff weren't writing it down either. Damned either way.

I am having an angry day today. I feel stupid and annoyed and frustrated and I keep disappearing ~ being almost sucked back in. I know that someone is intent on switching. I'm not though, and I am trying my darndest to stay here, all the tricks I know. I hope I don't get booted out.

Is that likely? Quite likely yes. For two reasons ~ I resist, so when someone wants to be out and they push hard enough *poof* I am gone again. But mostly because my 3 year old is being baby sat this afternoon ~ and the alters usually (by that I mean always) feel that they should have free reign at this time.

It all stinks.

By the way, I am on the lookout for other people with DID who blog.

Have a happy hysteria.

The Amnesia

I was reading another blog the other day, and I felt so sad for this person and what they are going through. I thought to myself..OMG how could I live through that? How could I cope with that? What would it be like to have those memories, thoughts, issues, reminders every day? I thought to myself..thank God my life is nothing like that and How on earth can I help?!

But then as I was thinking those things comes a torrent of angry thoughts and feelings from other alters... "we have gone through stuff, we have handled things, we have experienced that which no person should ever experience" "Our situation is different but we have issues too..."

And its true. I know "we" do. Except most of them, I don't have to live with everyday. See the beauty and curse of DID is that you can't remember because it didnt happen to you. Sometimes it makes life a tinsy bit easier - since for me, I dont have to freak out all the time.

Its other alters - when they are out on their own or with me that are hypersensitive, get migraines, shake constantly, throw up and gag alot, bite their fingers, self-harm etc. But not me.

And then there is the Major down sides. Being DID means that most of my life is blocked out. If someone rings to catch up and says "Remember the time when...." well guess what? I don't. It wasnt me. Now i can quickly check through the files, and ask whoever is around if they have any details - but whatever information or pictures are given to me are borrowed. Its like talking about a movie you've seen. You never really experienced it yourself.

I have had a whole life that I wasn't present for. And that is a fantastic thing and a terrible thing all at once.

Definitions

So here you are wondering what is DID? - well I had better add some links and explanations for those of you who don't know.

Qld Health Pamplet :

Dissociation is a mental process where there is a lack of connection between, thoughts, feelings, actions or sense of identity. This disconnection is termed splitting and exists at a sub-conscious level. The process of dissociation exists on a continuum. Mild dissociation experiences are common such as daydreaming or ‘highway hypnosis’, where a person drives from ‘A’ to ‘B’ but does not remember the details of the journey.

What is Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID/MPD)?
DID/MPD is the severe and chronic experience at the opposite end of the spectrum. The dissociative process may lead to discrete states that can take on identities of their own. These states are called ‘alternate personalities’ or ‘alters’ and are internal members of the ‘system’. Changes between these personalities, or states of consciousness, are described as ‘switching’. This behaviour was an originally adaptive, healthy reaction to intolerable situations. However, in adult life dissociative behaviours can be problematic. People living with DID/MPD have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), in fact it has been suggested that DID/MPD is itself a chronic form of PTSD.

What Causes DID/MPD?
DID/MPD is developed during childhood, before seven years of age, during the sensitive time that the individual’s personality is being formed. It is the result of:
• Ongoing and severe neglect and abuse (emotional, physical and/or sexual)
• Trauma (such as witnessing the death of a parent, war)
• Ritual/Satanic abuse (the condition is deliberately induced by cults to produce compliance and amnesia)
Evidence suggests that people living with DID/MPD have a biological predisposition for auto-hypnotic phenomena, a high level of hypnotisability.

Another Description from Victorian Health:

"Dissociative identity disorder

...

The condition typically involves the coexistence of two or more personality states within the same person. While the different personality states influence the person’s behaviour, the person is usually not aware of these personality states and experiences them as memory lapses. The other states may have different body language, voice tone, outlook on life and memories. The person may switch to another personality state when under stress. A person who has dissociative identity disorder almost always has dissociative amnesia too."

Thats all I will say for now. It's been a long day.

Worry Warts

Now how about this for freaky. I am currently calm and composed. I have bucket loads of work to get through - and yet... my whole body is shaking and my mind is being screamed at with 50 million decibels of worry.

You know when you have a panic attack or a stress session, its scary and upsetting and you can get very caught up in it all, with no way out. Well it seems a number of alters are experiencing just that. Except --- I'm Not.

The problem, today, revolves around money. Who's problems don't, seriously? Anyway.. We have an alter who is extremely and I mean 'to the point of total meltdown' susceptible to any mention of money worries. This alter goes nuts. This alter weighs up household items to sell, considers not eating or using power for two months, scours all the jobs in the area and wonders if they will have to sleep in the car.

Now that can happen, and I am quite aware that it is reality for far too many people today and that they show extraordinary strength in continuing on.

But, in our case this is completely unfounded. We are nowhere near that point - we will need to be AWARE of money and conscious not to spend when unnecessary - but the absolute strength of her fear takes us over. We end up with migraines and stomach pains. She is a strong projector.

The funny part for me is it's like being stuck in a movie, or a room with a nutcase - I can see all this and feel all this - and it is happening in the mind and body I share - but I dont share the sentiments or the fear. My appathy and apparent lack of concern generally only agravate the situation, but sometimes I can't help it. I want to get things done - not be crippled by baseless fears.

Image from here

But for this alter, those things are real. She handled it when there was nothing.. even as a child when there was no anything and need to scramble for anything and scrimp and be extra vigilant. She handled it.

OOOO this is all so mixed up....

OMG - I would NEVER do that

I had a phone call today.

Let me tell you about something that is unique to DID's sufferers - well so I imagine anyway - cant think of anyone else who might end up in this situation.

I had a phone call today.

This person, whom I (Sam) worked with in my year of ultimate reign, (This is how I will refer to the year when I was in full and total control of the body only co-conscious with one other alter, Kasey. No one else had any jurisdiction over my life at all) wanted to get in touch with me to catch up.

Said person and I flirted outrageously at that time when I was single and apparently "I" contacted them last year and expressed my dissatisfaction with my partner and interest in setting up a liason (as such). I asked how long ago was that, joking to make it sound authentic, and it was about 15 months ago. So 15 months ago an alter was trying to cheat on my partner. Our partner. This person was in a relationship at that time and is single now, and looking to 'catch-up'. Lol.

Sometimes it is very difficult to maintain the masquerade that is a dissociative mind. How do you explain to someone that you didn't actually proposition them. That you would never in a million years consider cheating on your wonderful partner. But that yes, it was you, sounded like you, came from your mouth? I had to lie of course, to maintain the facade. "My partner and I are fine now... it was a little fling... I am really busy... happy with my life".

Now most of that is correct, except the fling. I am completely happy and in love with my partner and very busy. And he says he will keep in touch blah blah blah.... I say sure, great to catch up, call me next year, drop me an email or something. No plans to meet, no plans to do anything. No real discussion of his single status or personal life. Just work and family.

But now I feel disgusting and dirty.

Of course it is unrealistic to imagine that all alters of a person would fall in love with or even remotely like the one person. But she wanted to cheat. To hurt. To throw away what they have. And that makes me sick. I pain for my partner. He knew about it all. She (the alter who did this) told him. To hurt him I think. I don't know. He told me all about it.

He said "it (our relationship) lost some of it's sparkle after that".

Ouch. I did that. I feel like I was kicked in the stomach. How did he feel at the time?

He says he forgives me, because it wasn't me. But it was, wasn't it? I have no recollection. No emotion attached to the images and stream of events that i have been given from the other alters. It wasn't me. But it still hurts. And I know it hurt my lover. I hate having alters.

Thats Life Now

Ok, So I am happy with my one post blog so far - and I am quite skeptical that anyone will ever read it, but that's okay. I guess this is as much for us as it is for anyone of you out there.

It seems to me that blogs are to speak about what's going on with you personally - like a chat to a friend, except that I don't speak about myselves alot and the reasons are fairly obvious.

I have become quite comfortable with the fact that I am an alter - that I am part of many people. In fact, I have only been back as a personality for a few months now. I held the body for over a year back about 5 years ago - and then I was pushed out. Into the blackness, only allowed back when some other personality required information, and then only for a moment. But that is beside the topic.

What I wanted to talk about now was me stuff. Just me. So what's going on with me? Well I am trying to get this life back into a shape that I like - which is hard when you are fighting with other people who actually have just as much say.

Here's what I have done in the past few months:

Begun a better eating plan
Begun regular walking (to tone up the flabby bits - they are EVERYWHERE)
Started up my own E-Store
Reinvigorated the Old E-Store that was set up by another Alter
Purchased much nicer clothing
Thrown myself at my wonderful partner
And generally continued on in life so no-one really notices that I am a completely different individual

What's been hard about being thrown back in this life:

This life now is soooo different to the one I got removed from. I was a single working girl, studying at night and partying on the weekends. I rented a cute little one bedroom flat and had just met the love of my life. I had no responsibilites, no debts - just me.

And now... I have a house in an urban area, a young daughter, a fiance (still the wonderful hunk that "I" found) no secular job, and I don't study anything. Life is filled with motherly duties and taking care of things, responsibilities and dull, frumpy clothing.

Honestly it was liking waking up in my own personal nightmare. Dissociative Identity Disorder is such a bitch sometimes. Anyway - I am pushing on and attempting to live life how it is now... lets all pray I can keep it up...

New Idea

Our Blog ~ or I should say ~ My Blog.

I am living with something called Dissociative Identity Disorder DID - (formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder or MPD)

Call it whatever you like - but it means that I am never alone. I can never just be me. There is always someone else's thoughts, desires, wants and needs pushing into what I am.

Oh well, you say. So what, you say. You have to be a hermit to avoid that.

True ~ except in our case ~ all the people are on the inside. I look normal. I have a normal face, normal body ~ 2 legs etc. And yet I have to share a body with a variety of other people - many whom I seem to have nothing in common with (except the obvious ie. the body).

Anyways... I want to blog about it for the following reasons ~
1. I personally think that Blogs are a fantastic form of self-expression
2. I really need to get my head around being DID and accepting it and all its crappy facets
3. Maybe if I write it and put it out there for real, maybe it won't be so hard to accept myself for what we are.

So Thats it for now except an introduction ~

Hello, my name is Sam ~ short for Samantha, And this is MY BLOG.

Cheers!