Sam on Holiday

Hi,
I'm still around just disappearing and losing large chunks of time this last week. I guess it comes with the territory. I keep thinking of all these things i could blog about - but I don't get a chance.
Been a bad week. Still.

So disappointed - oh well

Oh well. I was trying to blog everyday for NaBloPoMo - but yesterday me and my girls had a vomiting bug. And I didn't post. Totally fled my mind (along with bills, washing, everything).
Oh well. It was only a trial thing. Still disappointed in myself.

Sunday

It's Sunday night. And that's okay. I counted up how many migraine tablets we have taken this week - how many are missing from the box, since I wasn't in control of it. 40 tablets. Not bad for a week. Obviously a bad week.
Oh what a funny joke.

Hi - I had a bad week. Why? Well i was sexually molested and abused as a child, became a DID multi person from it and happened randomly to be standing 1 metre from that same abuser momentarily on Monday. Why should it have been bad. LOL.

Cheers for the week anyways! I am going to turn in early.

Today It Hit

Today the fall out began.
I did not expect it. We had houses to inspect because we have to be out of here in 5 weeks. So we were organised to house hunt for the day.
Today we began to fall apart.
I knew it was coming. But not today. Any other day.

My partner knew it would be today.

Last night, he said, yellow submarine girl was there in the background. He knew it would be today.
I don't know her age, or what happened to her - only that she sings the beatles song 'yellow submarine' over and over in her mind when she is frightened. We were at the end of being intimate (me being very careful to listen out for any others coming into something that they wouldn't understand) when she came through. He is a good man. He listens when I say "someone's here" he doesnt do anything - he puts clothes over us and talks to the littles that come through if they do. He is a good man. I mean that truthfully. My ex-husband ignored or delighted in tormenting and re-abusing them. But this man - he treats them like they are real children, in front of him, thrown into something beyond them.
Anyway, so he knew. He knew today we would fall apart.

It was McHappy day at Mcdonalds, and we went there to take our daughter for lunch. A police officer came over (they were volunteering) and asked her if she wanted her face painted - she nodded and followed him. Children are so vulnerable, so trusting, so innocent. My partner followed her - I fell apart. In the corner of McDonalds. I cried for the innocence that is taken away from the children of abuse. For all my tiny littles. Who's trust in the man who was their father - was smashed, broken, shattered, crushed, violated, i can't think of a word to describe it.
So in McDonalds. I fell apart.
Heidi woke up this morning with a killer migraine - they all decided today they would begin to talk again. Tried in vain to get rid of it. Finally tonight it is gone.

But that's only because I have taken the mind away. Heidi is offline - along with the rest of them. Somewhere suffering in silence. Until we have the safety to let them fall apart - with no risk of self-injury or life-damage.

What a daft post this is. Oh well. Good bye.

It gets in My Way

It really gets in my way, this dissociative thing. I want to be a whole person, with a whole body - who remembers EVERYTHING that happens to them.
I probably would amend that if I could remember it all - but I can't. Missing hours, days, months, years, last night and this morning.
I wonder if I could actually be really great at something - if I wasn't always switching. If I forced the year of Ultimate Reign back upon them : would I get it all back? And would I get lynch mobbed out of the front line again if I did?
Is that selfish to want to be in control of my own life? My own destiny? Be responsible and accountable for all of my actions - and to actually have them have been MY actions?
If I had the choice - I wouldn't be what I am now. I would walk out that door and live my life and not switch to someone else half way. I would stand up and do whatever it is I want.
But here I am - having no idea what 'we' want - because we all want different things. And what I want?
Its not compatible with life in general.

Oh well.

Pretty Pink Things for Heidi

Heidi has been really stressed from the lack of communication and internal numbness. I hate that I have to care, but she is really stressed. And as our partner has said to her - don't worry - enjoy and take the time to relax while they are silent and you can better deal with it when they start talking again.

Heidi is someone who likes to look at pretty things - not necessarily own them or look like them. So this post is Pretty Pink Things for Heidi :

Wednesday

Not in a great head space, so I am not going to blog much - just enough to suffice a post for NaBloPoMo.

Have got through a good amount of paperwork etc today. I am satisfied. Seems like everyone is still a little numb. Just worried that they are going to crack at some point in the near future - as terrified littles are wont to do.

I wish I had better relaxation techniques that worked for all of us. My old techniques (in the year of Ultimate Reign) didn't need to include littles and tweens etc and so they don't work anymore for the whole lot of them. I relax, but they don't. This whole - living together - is a bit of hard work. Too hard some days.

Be well.

An Instant that ReShatters a Soul

I have to blog this. But Its not going to be easy. You will understand when you read, I know.

A lovely girl, no a woman. A mother, a helper. Someone dressed nicely who appears calm, confident, in control. She waits with an elderly couple whom she is assisting for the day. In a hospital. When a person, no sorry, a monster - walks in the door, not one metre from her and hurries upon its way..
without even seeing the woman.

The woman looks collected, she looks whole, she looks normal - but inside, where delicate strands of healing had formed to encompass those in great pain - that instant, reshatters their soul.

Our Grandparents are elderly, our Grandmother lives in nursing care now. But we still need to take her manually to the Hospital for her appointments. Its always an ordeal ~ she is the loveliest woman I ever knew, but she has almost no muscle strength, and getting her in and out of cars and wheelchairs etc is difficult ~ but we laugh and enjoy it ~ though for her it must hurt sometimes.. to have a GrandDaughter toilet you, (just last year, before we found the nursing care place, we (my mother and I) did everything for her, shower, toilet, help feed etc.)

I would do anything for her and almost anything for my Grandfather (I apologise to those of you whose abuser was a grandparent.) He is a tad more selfish and controlling, but he was never in any way abusive. They were our lifeline, her sanity, the only place that she could ever feel like she could take a breath safely. They were strict and old-fashioned. But we were always safe to sleep in the bed at their house. Although, as we got older, I was allowed less and less.

A thing we hated forever has now become a thing that saved us yesterday. The thing, the UnPerson (because we cannot call him anything else right now) is a very hell-bent, one-tracked, obsessive person. So when it entered the hospital doors, it went straight down the hall to its destination, no side track, no looking around. The only people standing anywhere - was a woman with her Grandparents.

We kept it together, until we could fall apart - late last night. And after this post. We will put it all away.

What are the chances really? In this wide world, on an average day? When you have not seen this thing for years? What are the chances?

Everyone is numb and silent today. I, Sam, am worried. What happens when the numb wears off and the feelings set it. Shattered Soul.

Daylight Darkness and the Smell of Rain

Its 9am and its dark outside - overcast and grey, the smell of rain pervades the air.. but it hasn't rained again yet.

The breeze blows gently, bringing clear sounds from far away.

I love this weather, these days, though they are rare and often confronting.

If I open the window and let it confront me ~ my body shivers and tingles and sighs in release. These are the times of beauty, forgiveness, love, pain, aching, yearning.

(Shh, don't spoil it ~ but these are the days that 'he' never got out of bed. The days that you would never come across him when going out to the kitchen or to play with your sisters in the lounge room. These were the safe days. Safe to spend huddled near my bedroom window - feeling the breeze on my face ~ safe to dream that sometime, somewhere ~ maybe this didn't have to be life.)

Safe to dream dreams, and create a beautiful castle her tiny head ~ somewhere to hide where it was beautiful.

And that, my friends, is why our castle is always in rain, light rain, like a scottish countryside. The day house has sun, light, and fluffy clouds in the blue sky ~ because the littles are happier there, and so are many others.

But the castle remains ~ isolated, majestic in its infinite creation. The castle holds the secrets and the pain and the memories. In the day house ~ we can get by. In the castle, we can hide.

So the rain is poignant and painful and beautiful and brings hopes and dreams...



(Ironic that here we are in a life without that abuse and suffering and yet ~ now it is so ingrained, was so damaging, that life came to revolve around it anyway...Life is cruel. That tiny child did not deserve what happened to her.)

xxoo

Classic Hoarder

Here is a question to ponder:

Do alot of DID's hoard everything? Or just us?

We are moving house soon ~ and I feel that we carry so much from place to place - a double garage full of stuff never touched since last move 18 months ago. Although it is all packed neatly in boxes ~ better than just thrown on the ground.

But the problem is it's a collection of 30 or more people's lives.

My partner is helping me clean things out and decide to keep some, sell some, and throw the garbage stuff out. He is doing really great - he helps organise the stuff once i have assigned it a pile and he keeps constant watch (like a hovering bird) and pulls me back to reality as soon as he sees the signs of switching ~ or he hugs the alter who pops out in connection to their stuff.

He is amazing. Truly. Its a long and stressful job. But "I" feel it's a good idea. Its healing. Its also annoying that I cant just throw it all out since none of it is mine. But we don't want to upset people now do we.

Tell me is Hoarding a classic commonality for us all?


We need one of these:

Full of those little basket things, one per person. Lol... If we were a millionaire..We have compartments everywhere!

Sunday, Just another Manic Sunday

Sunday is usually by far our worst day of the week. Bizarre. But since it lacks the structure of the other 6 days, no secular work, family all at home etc.. it also lacks internal structure and they all do just as they please.
Sunday I don't have much control. I phase in and out, we switch alot. I haven't explored whether it has deeper implications such as Sunday was the most prominent religious day in my childhood, although they all were. (Please note: although I have little memory of childhood I am fairly certain at this point I did not experience Ritual Satanic Abuse or RSA). No doubt if I felt inclined to delve: many things would surface, but we are good at hiding. LOL. (A dissociative good at hiding, how uncommon).

Today's Post

I don't know what Today's Post is going to be about yet ~ so I will just type. I have been known to be inspirational at times ~ but then again I don't think that that was actually me. I am too realistic.

I miss my life so much. It's one of the hardest things about being DID I reckon. Its like sitting visiting a park bench - you love it, you sit watching the trees, the dappled sunlight filters through huge old knarled branches, it makes you calm.



And then suddenly you realise you have been gone for a some time ~ now you are on the bench but the paint is fading, there are new saplings around and someone has put stones over the old dirt path.

And then.. once again you realise you have been gone for a while. The park bench is old and the paint peeling off, the old majestic tree is still there, but now there is a play ground and cement paths..

Its all kind of the same, but you miss the essence of what was yours. Its not really yours anymore. Now you share it, now you yearn for what you had. Now you cry ~ because you can never have it back again.

Life is altered irreversibly and it had nothing to do with you. You have no choice. I have no choice. It might seem you have infinite choices with a fractured mind ~ but in fact YOU HAVE NONE.

Not So Great Today

Yesterday was not okay. Its early today, but its not looking good.
The Sara stuff was a bit triggering for us, but we were dealing with it. Worst luck...
not 2hours later and J'W's come randomly knocking on the door. WHY did we answer it? I still don't know.

Thus spiralled a pitiful afternoon of rapid switching, much arguing, angry alters, sad alters, suicidal alters and of course the self-harm. I feel too much emotion today, from too many people.

So I am going to just put up some pictures instead. May you keep safe.

For the Tainted Reality we See:


For the Desire to Shed the Evil:


For The Pain all Encompassing:


For the Way we Have to Live on:

For the escape that We dream of:

Profile: Sara

Warning: Content may trigger. Please use caution if you find some topics in association with religion to be a trigger.

Today's post is going to be about Sara.

Not that I want it to be ~ but that's the way things are in this head, sometimes you get the choice, sometimes you don't. So suck it up.

Sara is ... devoted, indoctrinated, fanaticated (not a real word).

Sara is a person who is around the age of late teen ie 19ish. She has always been around that age - from about as far as I can access which is about body age 12. Thus many comments from teachers, church members etc, 'you are so mature for your age', 'so serious', 'a real depth of understanding and interest' 'much more studious than most in your age group'. Etc.

Sara is deeply religious. In fact, life is religion to her, religion is life. She is and will remain a staunch Jehovah's Witness. (She is not currently a dominant or even in the main sphere of front-line persons, "offline", as Heidi calls it. She describes it as being like a Friend on your msn messenger - you can see their name and profile, but they aren't avaliable to interact with)

Anyways.... She, when as the front-person, spends the majority of her time in Bible Study, whether personal (on her own) or at their meetings, or out door-knocking or any other type of religious thing. In her spare time she cross-stitches - usually lovely flower scenes, or quaint cottages. Her work is very beautiful. I couldn't handle the patience or dull-ness of it all, personally. Anyway..

She is a very black and white person. No fence-sitting. For the crime of the body (having been abused) which she sees as her own personal sin and failing (What the?!) anyways... For the crime of the body she believes that her blood must be offered as a sacrifice ~ poured out upon the ground. After she has fulfilled her religious duty to learn and teach and convert. Please note that I don't actually know all that much about J'W's ~ however I don't think that they ascribe to any of that particularly ~ its just her bizarre interpretation.

Her devotion, faith and belief are all very strong. She is a very strong person and has a high pain threshold and has managed through some incredible situations. I guess there is good and bad in every one. But she also carries a great weight of 'sin' for the things that were done to the body. She miscarried at one point when married and blames herself ~ she feels unworthy to have the blessing of a child when she is so rotten and filthy and unpure inside.

Anyway enough of this. Its making alot of people upset and I am starting to shake.. That's it for Sara.

Lovers & Kisses

I was reading a great new blog I am following the other day called Lonely Hearts.
It reminds me of when I was single and 21. Anyways, I wanted to write about the standout kisses in my life. This will be an ongoing post topic as we go along.

1. Unexpected Passion
The best kiss in this section goes to young Mr F. I was at a pub with a mate of mine and his best friend, it was just a meeting spot to decide about dinner - when I got a call from a guy who I had been out with on a 'less than successful' date a few months before. I was surprised. He said he was lonely. He hadn't seen anyone since (weird?!) and would i like to see a movie. Of course I said "Yes". And upset the mate I was with (long story). Off I went. I was excited.

This guy dressed beautifully and was very intellectual. Confident in his brain and body etc in general but totally shy around girls. I knew this. I was (notice the was) a petite, great figured, flirtaceous female. We saw a movie, talked alot and went home to his house, had a coffee ~ and he made no indication of anything at all, so I said I had to go. It was about 11:30pm. It was pouring with rain, we had already moved his dogs inside and dried them etc etc. I walked off into the rain and down the drive...

I was about half way down (it was quite long and tree lined) when he bolted out the door into the rain and stopped 2cms in from of my face: "Please.. I don't want you to go" and he put his hands around my face and kissed me so passionately, as it poured down rain on us. It was the most romantic moment I had had at that time. Interestingly, We still didn't work. I didn't love him and he didn't want someone like me. But for a short time (and a forever frozen moment) I had the most unexpected passionate kiss. It was pure and beautiful and I won't ever forget it.

That said. I love my Fiance. And passion in love is so much more. Doesnt mean I can't remember the first times of things.

xxoo

Failings.

I have a killer headache starting... either a normal headache or one of Heidi's migraines. She's here co-conscious today.

I have a habit. A failing. A mean annoying, trait that I hate and that others hate about me. Except no one ever mentions it. I guess most people do. Mine only relates to my Sisters though (in this case). It is this:

If one of them falls over, or is in any other hilariously funny (but not serious) mishap I laugh my head off - loudly and with much jolliness. Except it hurts them. Well one of them anyway. And I never realise until later that once again I have pained her deeply. She is often in such situations as to look funny. And none of her body language or facial features betray the moment she goes from finding it funny to not. And I always get it wrong. And make her really pissed at me. Then she ignores me totally. I feel so stupid. I hate hurting her. I hate that I am so dumb as to not realise it, time and again. How stupid can ONE person be? Seriously. Der.

Nothing to Say

Today I have nothing to say. I don't want to talk about my life. I don't want to talk about the others. I don't want to talk about the weather or life or the colour of pickles.

I don't want to talk.

So that's my post. Welcome and Have a Great and Happy Day.

Or NOT.

And then Some Days...

And then some days...
It just doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter that our body is an adult.
That we have our own family.
That we work and laugh and can watch tv any time we want.
That we have nothing to do with religion.
That we haven't seen him since the day we were legally an adult ~ that we turned our backs and walked away.

Somedays.. all we are is a broken, abused, beaten soul. The sum of us.

And we are sad. So sad.

Someday: By Rob Thomas

You can go, you can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now
And Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow...
Someday

Profile: Heidi

Heidi:
Heidi is our communicator. She is a lovely, caring soul and a rather new alter - actually our newest. She is the same age as the physical body but was created (to the best of my knowledge around the beginning of the year).
Heidi worries about everything: about her, about our child, our fiance, our extended family, the dishes, birds in the trees, people on the news, the state of the economy. She worries herself silly about all these things ~ creating ridiculous scenarios in order to be okay ie planning to save cardboard for when there is no money and we live in a box. Concern is fine ~ this woman makes herself frantic with worry.
Heidi is very emotional. She spends alot of time crying and some laughing. Her eyes well up with tears everytime something goes slightly wrong. And in our land ~ well that is every couple of hours. I find her funny in some ways like that (but she is not particularly appreciative of my opinion..wonder why???)
At first I didn't like Heidi much, I felt she was a useless, snivelling waste. Thanks to our dear fiance I am learning to understand and love her.

Why did I misunderstand her? Well Heidi is all those things above.. a worrying, emotional mostly unable to get things down person, rather opposite to me. But she has a massive role and its a large undertaking for a very new alter.

Heidi was created where there was need: apparently the committee felt it was necessary. (I will explain about them later). Obviously within any multiple person system some form of communicae is necessary ~ previously they had small free-for-alls at a large table. But due to the time taken with these and that there was no facilitator, they needed a better option. Ta da: creation Heidi.

Please understand that the creating of new alters in adulthood is not particularly common. It is only under great duress that the mind resorts to its previous methods of dealing with trauma and pain. And that time in life (when she was created, and i wasnt around) they were attempting to deal with normal life plus switching through 10-15 alters per day and being suicidal and self-harming 2 or more times a day. The grip on reality had failed. No bills were paid, no cleaning done, work was poor quality, family ignored, binge eating etc etc. Anyways...Here comes Heidi.

She was created and given the job of fixing. Poor soul. Who does that to a clueless person anyway? She has the ability to communicate with all the alters ~ she is able to be internal. She has met many I didn't even know about - but she has journalled it all so I can learn. She has had to listen to each of their pains and stories and memories and it was so devasting for her. I know you see it as all being in one mind ~ but imagine a person with no training, only a caring nature being given 30 ~ 40 different people, boys and girls of ages 2ish to 27 who have been sexually abused, molested, emotional abused, raped, silenced and who are frightened, confused, suicidal, bulimic etc etc.

It just knocked her flat. Heidi has almost constant migraines ~ thats how the alters tell her they are upset. They each have a different area of the head that gets pains. Some other DID people have tingling limb parts for different alters, or sounds in their ears. Its rather freaky.

OMG I have talked so much. Time to get organised for the day...

NaBloPoMO

National Blog Posting Month.

Yes I am crazy. I can hardly keep myself in the present at the moment, having trouble holding onto the body this weekend and barely able to do simple things...but I love to do fun things and socialise and its only that the littles have had some shocker dreams lately... that they have been able to push through to the frontline.

So I have decided to joinAnd if I feel I am unable to post about me ~ well then I can start to give a run down on the other alters that I know about. Good luck to me!!